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Sunday, February 18, 2007

moving on

i noticed that i stopped writing in this blog almost exactly a year after i started it. in many ways a few drops of dew represented my head space at a very particular moment in time and i'm not sure how appropriate it is to continue my thoughts in this space. for one thing... it seems like i have to give up my personal life to the search engine that begins with the letter g and ends with an oogle... not sure i'm ready to merge this with my email account. and for another i've been terrified to write out my feelings for the last... well ever since i stopped going to school. not sure if that coincided with no longer having to sit through lectures and write copious amounts of notes... thereby ending the need to make introspective observations about my life... or if i've just been so terrified unable to face my own thoughts and feelings in some ways that writing seemed to be a way that would have made them a little to real. its probably safe to say that the latter is coming into effect. although as i type these musings i'm starting to feel a little better. i guess the main thing is that i'm not sure what...
i just noticed that i keep writing "not sure".

uncertainty is the undercurrent. the under tow. the undoing of threads that weave through and piece together the making of what i had thought made up the meaning of my life. and yet, as i type this out it all seems so insignificant. like specks of dust in our infinite universe and belly button lint in comparison to the explosion of a star.

i'm not sure.

but still i know. that people love me. that i have a warm family. a warm bed. and a resolve to be happy. to be positive. to smile. to wait.

and see.
what.
it all holds.

it feels good to write again. it feels strange. it feels like my fingers might fail under the weight of the aquarium of thoughts. i've been taking myself underwater lately. in the middle of my mind. in the middle of the day. under the depths of my duvet cover in the middle of the night.

into the middle of salt water and the sea. and artificial breathing tanks... and regulators that keep things just so.
that keep us breathing in when plunged to artificial depths that don't ordinarily support our life forms.
and the regulator keeps everything sure. steady. certain.
in one lung and out the other.
through the mouth only and lips around plastic and rubber.
and air bubbles that disappear to the surface.

it is quiet in those depths.
except for those bubbles--
the sign of life.
and the constance of breath.

so what am i getting at?
i'm not sure.
i'm not sure.

it's the density of emotion... its opaque, oblique hold on certain parts of my consciousnes and subconsciousness. depths of feeling that defy rationality. craving the explaining power of lightness. bearable desireable and somehow out of reach.
beyond oustretched fingertips flying through letters and clicking.

i'm trying to find a place.
where my heart's joy will accept its pleasure. where blessings will be appreciated. and joy can be celebrated.

my drops of dew are waiting under the snow. my tears are waiting in the sun.
and the ocean is not as far as i think it is.

Comments:
Whatever may come, I hope this can keep you afloat:

When nothing else seems to be left, you still own your thoughts so please don't mute them. They are your wealth and your strength and the one thing that can situate you. You are allowed to have them, allowed to think what you feel because it's all true.

They may hurt or they may soothe but either way - you need to feel both the pain and the comfort to realise that you can live with both. To know where you stand, how you can move, and where you need to go.

I know it all sounds so benign when it's vocalised - how can a sequence of words convey the stirring and shifting within? But honey it doesn't need to convey anything to anyone, it just needs to become real to you, from the outside looking in [finally, not the other way around].

I know I'm making something complicated sound so simple, and I know it isn't. I don't mean to minimise it, I really don't.

But dear, let your thoughts wash over you, let yourself react to them. Let that little bottle empty itself into - and be rocked by - the tide, it's the only way it can get safely to shore.

 

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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

my sister is a womyn...

or so she tells me that her english teacher gave her heck for using that spelling--
and that her history teacher insisted that there was no such thing as "herstory"--
this evening my sister recounts this to me and says "uh.. hello, feminism!".

(i guess i've brainwashed her well).

i'm back home--- home
in the bustling metropolis that is this small town in south western ontario. it's not as bad as it might seem however. i sleep in every day and am happily unemployed. i loved my stint at our nation's public broadcaster--- but the radio news theme still gives me chills as it reminds me of the tight deadlines we faced everyday. i'll be content just to listen for now. not that the experience hasn't affected me in other ways. i suppose i'm one step close to media whoredom since the day of the dawson college shootings one of my first thoughts was: "wow... this is a great day for the newsroom". not that the events of the 13th didn't send it's own chills down my spine or make me feel sad. what a terrible tragedy. what's super creepy is the killer's journal stayed online (and could still be there) for a few days after--- somehow i felt compelled to read it--- but it just made me really sad that he could be so disturbed and not have anything to make him happy in life.

****

back here at home montreal feels so close and yet so far away. in many ways it feels like i never left for mcgill-- and yet, last night i spoke to gabi and had a pang of yearning for our evening walks to the american apparel on saint denis. i miss sushi shop, and walking down st laurent, and getting pinoy groceries in cote des neiges, and going to tams, spontaneously going to concerts, and random meetings with friends that turn into day-long hangouts.

i love being with my family though-- sometimes they drive me up the wall, but less so lately it seems. i'm back in the fold and they're (my parents) are also adjusting to me being "an adult"-- well maybe not entirely-- but it's not bothering me. i'm heading off to victoria early next month to visit jameel-- a good solid 18 days of r and r by the ocean should be great!

Comments:
r 'n' r?? more like c 'n' c, woMAN! muah ha hahahahahah..

 

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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

mi casa es su casa...

i have a new set of four walls to call my own-- next to the gay bathhouse, and it is starting to feel like home. i have a tiny window and digital cable in my room-- so a view of the world really. the apartment is small but cozy. and gabi and christine are sweet and lovely. it's nice to come home to people... usually many many people. christine's parents were here for a few days last week. lover(s) are randomly here. right now i'm alone watching the news on my new other roommate: the TV. i love it.

i've been so neglectful of dear blog. i've been running around a lot, that i haven't had a lot of time to think about what i've been doing and what i will be doing in the next weeks. the internship is wonderful, and it's hard to believe that it's almost 3/4 over. steph is arriving back to montreal really soon. jameel's going to victoria. and i'm going to be leaving the city soon. and living back at home--- whew... we'll see how it all works out. for now i'm just relishing the ride. trying to keep my head level and enjoying everything that comes my way.

on another note, cinema du parc is closing. i have pangs of guilt for not having gone there in several months. jameel and i went a few weeks ago to see "the road to guantanamo". it's hard to believe that something that was such a big part of my first few years in montreal is going to be gone after august 3rd. heh... oh sweet memories.
perhaps something cool will emerge in its place. i'm going there tonight, and i hope i will enjoy it.

and so the transition continues. i'm just so thankful that i LOVE LOVE LOVE my job.
more stories soon... promise.

Comments:
I actually learned the nearly-tragic news through a fellow JET's blog... it's like the day the Palace closed...

see you soon belle!

 

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Thursday, June 29, 2006

transition...

it's interesting to see how different people deal with it. i don't. or at the very least... not very well. and so far the transitions i've had to make in my life haven't been particularly difficult or earth-shattering. there's always plenty of support and love to go around. today at work we interviewed twinkle rudberg.... great name huh? she's the founder of an organization called LOVE (leave out violence). it's a youth violence prevention organization that has become widely successful across the country and in new york city too. in the 1970s her husband was stabbed to death by a troubled 14 year old as he was trying to retrieve a purse that the kid had just stolen. thinking about how someone could bounce back from something like that and turn it into something so positive for young people is just amazing... totally awe inspiring.

right about now, the only thing awe-inspiring about my situation is the amount of junk that i've managed to collect over the course of 4 years... junk that i've "neglected" to throw away. i'm packing up my apartment at 1735. bye bye crack heads and daytime drunkards... at least for now. i'll be a plateau girl for the rest of the summer. tomorrow jameel and i will be driving to toronto, then to guelph in a rental van. road trip out of necessity... i hope the traffic won't be too bad.

packing up this place and looking at all the bits and pieces of paper (because that's what most of the crap is) i've seen how much my life has changed. i dug through and found my lease for solin. old phone bills. random artwork done by my sister. i found birthday cards given to me in first year. photographs where we all look so hilariously young. course packs that i never actually read. thank you cards from the numerous (international) guests that have stayed in my various apartments. cuttings of the pedigree girls. and of course, the first love letter my boyfriend ever sent me.

i'm going to miss this place come august.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

an abnormally long absence

apologies for not posting in the last month basically. i've been super busy (as per usual), but there have been a couple milestones thrown in along the way. the most significant is obtaining the piece of paper that has now conferred my commencement into society. i convocated on june 1st, under a big tent on lower field and in the presence of my family. it was totally great. receiving my piece of paper with my name and a bunch of writing in a dead language i don't understand was thrilling enough. but the best part of it all was hearing my full name-- first, middle and last-- pronounced in utter perfection by the woman who was reading them out. (check out the archives if you care to relive my joy- haha!).

my family came to montreal and stayed in my apartment-- something that all three of them haven't done at the same time since they moved me into this place two years ago. it was very nice to be able to share a slice of my montreal world with them. my poor sister dislocated her knee cap in the airport just after landing so she was on crutches for the rest of the trip, but we had a great time nonetheless and she was a great sport about it. she's such a trooper. we had an enjoyable couple of days-- mostly spent enjoying the various culinary delights of the city. my parents' close friend (the father of my friend-- his daughter), suffered a heart attack while they were here in the city so we all went to visit him in the hospital. this meant htat we spent a fair amount of time in hospitals over a couple of days between aaliyeh's fall and the heart attack. i shadowed a reporter who interviewed a somewhat crazy concert pianist a few weeks ago. apart from some of the more inflammatory things he said, he said something that resonated with me-- about how our society hides our old people and our sick from public life. it's like when you need more care or lack power you somehow have to be hidden from public view or tucked away. the segregation between sick and "healthy" or old and young is so sharply defined. but it's rare that we think about it i think. and yet hospitals and medical stuff can become so routine or part of the "furniture" of everyday existence as soon as some bodily or mental function goes slightly off kilter. "illness and death are natural", this pianist guy said. "we shouldn't hide it". of course, he was saying this in the context of his opposition to montreal's newly instituted nonsmoking bylaws and his own opposition to them (ie. lung cancer and death are natural and we shouldn't be hiding our sick-- somethow this linked back to "i should be allowed to smoke in a bar"--- but i don't remember how). in any case, i thought it was something intersting to think about it.

speaking of work, i've also completed one month of "9 to 5ing". it's been great so far. i feel like a bit of a pinball sometimes being bounced from show to show. but in keeping with my ADD - multitasking tendencies it's been working out well. right now i've just begun working with the weekend show which means two things: longer pieces and less pressing deadlines. all in all a good deal and a lot more freedom for me. i'm pretty excited. if any of you have story ideas... PLEASE send them my way. i now know what it's like to be a media whore.

i have to go to bed soon cuase i'm mad tired. i went to a talk tonight about the human rights situation in the philippines. in a word, it is: bad.
i'll write more later, i promise. now i have to go to bed.

Comments:
you just highlighted ten good reasons why I'm my return is well over due ;)

love ya hun!
steph

 

congratulations, zhazha!! i wish i could have been there to witness your name being pronounced properly, in its entirety, for ONCE! good timing on that, too, i have to say... only how many years of schooling before someone could get it right?

anyway, i miss you and i'm crossing my fingers that i'll be able to come see you sometime this summer.

love,
sasa

 

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